i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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