Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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