Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
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You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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