yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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