He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
