Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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