I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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