I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
