Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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