So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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