put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
