i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
