what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
