She said her name was "party"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
