i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Text me some of your sweat
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
