Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
