I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
