She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
