Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
