I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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