no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
