respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
