my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
