Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
