Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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