My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
