sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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