Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
