I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
