I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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