Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
