You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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