When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
