I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
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This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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