Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
