he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
