She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
