I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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