I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
