Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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