Will you blow on my dice?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Drunk is not a location!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
