Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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