I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
