My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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