at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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