So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
