So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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