Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
