remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
