I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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