i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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