im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
