Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
